So You Sailed Away Into A Grey Sky Morning...

Adrienne- "So there was this one time in fourth grade when we had a spelling test and i felt so smart because we were studying that 'ie' thing you know when things are plural and one of the words was cowboys..."
Aidan- "You do realize that cowboys is spelled with a 'y' right? Sorry to ruin your story and everything..."
Adrienne- "Wow I've gotten dumber..."
Me- "Cowboies... cowboies..."

I was really hyper before geoscience one day without my usual bottle of Diet Pepsi:
Sam- "Are you on coke?"
Me- "No!"
Calista (loveable dork)- "Our school doesn't sell coke..."
Sam- "Wow, sure hope not..."

So yeah, I'm not the only blond one out there... trying to shake up an orange juice carton with the cap off and spilling all over myself... It's a good feeling knowing I'm not alone.

On another more emo note, I realize I'm still not trusting people. I feel like I can't depend on anyone but myself, and that sucks. I just feel more than ever that everyone is out to get me. I just feel exhausted.... *Sigh*

What the fuck am I going to do with my brain?

Uhh.. Yeah picture from computer imaging I felt like posting... So enjoy the nerdiness!

( PICTURE! )

I think I'll make it...
If I hold on to each day with a hope...
Eventually I'll find what I need...
That day can't come too soon...
I'll find something to satisfy a deep yearning...
A want of greatness...
Not perfection...
Just life...
Not hiding...
Just enjoying life...

"Well, we could go to Larson's house... but he doesn't really want us to come. I think there are some people there that aren't cool with you..."
"Could it be that you didn't call back three hours ago and that's why they don't want us to come?"
"No... Larson likes me and Ryan. I think there are people there that aren't cool with you."

Why the fuck would someone tell you this after you say you worry about what other people think about you? I mean honestly. That happened to be tonight. I just wanted to cry. I don't usually let people get me down but the conversation went on like that for awhile, and after hearing that repeatedly it was just like a stab to my heart.
I feel like I've worked so hard just to gain people's acceptance and to finally be able to call people again. Now I just feel like all the work is being thrown back in my face. I feel like as hard as I try, I'm going to be a tag-along no matter what.
I want to be a person. I want someone just to think, "Wow, chilling with Nikki would be cool tonight. I think I'll give her a call." I'm always the caller, and I'm tired. I used to have a group that would assume I'd be where ever they were. I always had a place to run to. Now, I feel like I have nowhere. Where will I run when my day is unbearable? Where will I cry when there's isolation in my house? When will I stop writing goddamn emo entries????
My day wasn't so bad. I just don't feel like I accomplished as much as I could have. Band practice was amazing though. I always wanted to sing for a group and now I have that. And my bandmates are amazing. They are just the sweetest guys with the biggest hearts and the most dedication.
I guess in that aspect I'm glad I'm single. It gets lonely, but I would have never gone and joined a band had I had a boyfriend. I would have settled and told myself that I don't need that; I'm fine just having a man. Hmph. I don't think a guy could keep up with me. I can barely keep up with myself...
Then I also chilled with Aidan and Morgan. I'm so glad he's back. It's just nice having someone that's mature and can hold out a conversation.
Well, I lived through the day though. I'll be out of this town soon enough I figure. I hate to say I'm looking forward to going but now I don't feel I have anything to stay for. I mean sure I didn't before. I used to worry that Spencer wouldn't graduate in four years and I'd have him keeping me around. But had he graduated he was going to go with me where ever I went. I'm kind of scared now. The fact that I'll being leaving alone is frightening at times, but I'll be able to truly see the world with unclouded eyes. I'll be able to meet someone that doesn't have a secret North Shore chip planted in his brain that slips out occasionally though its existence is denied. I know I'm one of them but I still like to argue I'm not. I grew up in a hick town. I was made fun of when I came here for not being one of them. I took the hits from them and therefore I can't ever join them fully in spirit. Who wants to be an oblivious drone anyways?
Oh, almost forgot. I talked to my cousin tonight. He asked me if I was smoking the reefer. I just laughed and said no. I really wasn't today though the rants would give that impression. *Sigh*

I don't know what is going on with me lately. I hate being single. Honestly, I always thought I was so independant. But now I know that's not true. I feel lonely. Really really lonely. If only people knew. Having someone there is having someone to listen to all my complicated thoughts. Now they just dwell in my brain. Stay and rot. All the sad ones too. I feel useless. I feel like all my romantic ideals are too advanced. I feel like I touch insanity and it keeps me up at night composing music, drawing or writing cliche depressing works. I can still laugh at myself luckily but the joyous sounds don't cheer me up. There are so few people who actually care anymore. So few who actually listen and analyze and dream. They go about their days hunting for drugs to help the pain, to ignore the truth. I live in a world of material. No one cares that there's a world out there when I just want to drive and see it. I just want to stop in some little hick town and grab a cup of coffee. I want to listen to their dialects. I want to hear what music makes them dance. I want to see what couples there call love. I just want to take it in and break up bad memories with happy ones. I just want to sing at the top of my lungs driving and getting a drivers tan in the rare winter sun. I need so much, and I don't think any one would be willing to give it to me. I just need to simply have someone who thinks as deep as me and isn't afraid to let it out. So many people are so scared nowadays. So many people watch what they say afraid that they'll be judged. Well I'll admit I'll judge you but let me make that judgement. I'd rather honestly know a person and not like him or her than love a mask that eventually comes off and hides a grotesque. My ex-boyfriend knew for a month that he didn't feel the spark anymore before we broke up. A month I was dating someone who was pretending to care. I was dating an actor in a sick pornography of lies and deceit and selfish acts. Or maybe it had been longer, I think. As I said, I'm a romantic. I truly loved him, and I was willing to do anything for him and his family. His mom was like the mom I had always needed after mine passed away. She listened and told me the truth about life. Let me see when she was angry claiming I was part of the family. She cried feeling bad when I didn't know for weeks before we broke up why he wouldn't answer the phone or return my calls. She actually cried. I still love her, the girls, his brother, and him, just in a different way now. I care in that I hope they live good lives. I hope his mom doesn't have to always work so hard. I hope the girls are doing okay in their new school. I hope his brother made some friends. I hope he is happy with his new girlfriend. I guess I've always cared more for others and not enough about myself. I find that I call everyone and no one has a strong desire just to call me. Maybe I isolated myself too much. Maybe I come off as threatening. Maybe I'm too opinionated and guys want their girls dumb and naive. Well, I'm not sure I can say I'm not naive. I'm sure there still is a bit in me. But that I'll find later. I'll look back and laugh the bittersweet laugh as before. I'll think of these as better days at that point. I'll think of it as me being young and reckless. Hmph.
Loneliness makes me think too much and say too much.
And no one listens.
So it echoes in my skull.
And resonates.
And keeps me awake.

Not bad Romeo....

But you make me worry.

I am a woman.

I don't want to be

What you don't want.

And I won't even know that I am.

Until you're gone.

Can't help but to smile...

So I actually did something on a Thursday night for once which I did not expect therefore there was no mention of it in the previous post today. I went to a play. Not just any play though; no optionally that would never happen. No, it was one that my brother crewed for.

Suprisingly, it was not bad...

And I don't give complements lightly...

Then again they did incorporate Whitesnake into the play... which is awesome... because they're an eighties hair band...

Freshmen are ridiculous.

Have I mentioned that I hate rain?

Hail=Awesome though... And sounds really cool if you're standing in a tunnel...

Well I am not looking forward to this weekend though. I have to work Friday. Homer's on a Friday night (and Winter Carnival night) means that I get to deal with that crowd of NT I usually stay away from. But if they come in drunk like the last time I worked a Friday, maybe it will be fun.

Last but not least, I'VE JOINED A BAND! So I now have a place to put all my psychotic energy now that I'm not using it for other activities... (*cough cough*).

Maybe, I'll post the lyrics I wrote at a later date...

Okay. I'm back. I became independent and lived my life without telling everyone my secrets for awhile, but now my life has hit a standstill. So, I once again will be giving the latest details in my life.

But for today I will just say Happy Valentines Day.

Love in its purest form today.

<3 ~NiKkI~

Okay so here's the situation. My livejournal is becoming like an old journal. I've slept with my arms wrapped around it too many times. Ergo, it is time for me to have a change. I contemplated doing this a long time ago. And I already have another journal just beckoning me to write in it. Therefore adieu! I might return to this again one day. Not sure. I might eventually also post where I'm going. But unless you already know, you'll have to personally ask. Don't take this as me hating anyone. I love you all. Goodbye for now, and thanks.

Signing out,
Nikki

Happy New Year's everyone! Unexpectedly heard from a few people today. It was nice. I like hearing from people randomly. Makes me feel like I've done something right as a friend to them. My two year old step cousin is sitting next to me right now helping me type this. She's just so adoreable. ^_^ Anyways, my love to everyone and I hope to get closer to all of you through out this coming year.

My parents are leaving today to go to Indiana. One of my step-uncles hung himself yesterday. I can't even find words for how much I hate him. He knew my step-cousins were coming to stay with him for the day since my step-aunt and uncle are separated. So he waited until right before they came to do it. They walked in and found him dead. That's ridiculously shitty of him in my mind.

Elliott Smith - Let's Get Lost Lyrics

There are signs
Dividing in
That I couldn't abide
I wouldn't miss it again
Burning every bridge that I cross
To find some beautiful place to get lost
I had true love
But made it die
Pushed out of the way
She said please stay
Burning every bridge that I cross
To find some beautiful place to get lost
To find some beautiful place to get lost
I don't know where I'll go now
And I don't really care who follows me there
But ill burn every bridge that I cross
To find some beautiful place to get lost
To find some beautiful place to get lost

Hey this is Ron, and Im the best. Um...lets see, life is going swell. I dont really know what im typing this for or what happens when i hit enter. Kristy is a psycho so nobody should ever talk to her. Nikki is currently running around naked and screaming out her brothers name while her parents chase her around with a fresh pair of clothes. Its a strange life they live up here. Everyone go to the Hookah, haven't been there because Nikki was cruel and was like "No man, you crazy". Oh, and another thing!...never eat ice cream outside in the cold. I got the serious shakes =\ It wasnt cool >.<

{c'.')c-----------@ <---- that's me playing with a yo yo.

Kissed Drew tonight... hehehe. We went to see "Meet the Fockers" and he held my hand through the whole movie. It was cute. ^_^

Merry Christmas everyone! You've all been here to hear me bitch about my life. Now I just want to thank you and hope you're having a nice holiday season. May love touch all your hearts.

Happy Christmas Eve!

Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My mind plays tricks on me. Last night I lost my mom again in a dream. I was sitting wrapping presents in the attic with her. And I was talking to her and I thought that her dying had all been a dream. My dad marrying Kristi had been a dream. She'd been there the whole time. So I asked her and she told me that this was a dream. Then she said this would be the last time she talked to me. I just started bawling and told her things I didn't know I'd felt. I told her she'd only had me for 13 years of my life. Kristi's going to have me for the rest of my life. Maybe, it'll seem like she was a dream and not Kristi after awhile. Maybe it'll seem like Kristi's my real mom after awhile. It just scared me because I've never sat and talked with my mom in my dreams. And to be sitting there talking to her and her telling me she's leaving me forever scared me. I'm still crying, because it was so real. I thought I'd forgotten what she looks like and there she was. And she was saying goodbye. I feel like I torture myself. That my mind is making me relive her death. Maybe it'll stop now. Maybe she's ready to go to Heaven, and she's going to stop worrying about my brother, my dad, and I since we have Kristi. I probably sound insane. I really realized how much I missed her though last night and how I never was ready for her to leave me.
Merry Christmas Mom.